Emotional Regulation | Mind
Manage the state that manages you
Why it matters
Your state changes your story. Change your state, and you change what your brain thinks is true. Just compare how you’re thinking about the same topic when you can’t sleep at 3 am in the morning, after your morning coffee, during your afternoon slump, and after two beers. “State Influences Story” is regularly preached by Tony Robbins, and it works.
There is also plenty of science to back this up: Learning emotional regulation reduces the likelihood of developing anxiety, depression, or aggression. It seems to be a teachable skill across age groups and is linked to less inflammation, better heart health, less burnout, and better relationships.
Top things to do
High intensity interventions
Sometimes we are just overwhelmed by emotion, and a peaceful meditation just won’t cut it. Most of these interventions were developed for high-intensity emotions, but they work just as well to get you in a calmer emotional state quickly, no matter where you are.
Stop: Stop doing anything in the moment. Try to remove yourself from the situation. Breathe. Observe. And then proceed mindfully.
Work with your body: Cold water (splash on your face or shower), intense exercise like jumping jacks for one minute, progressive muscle relaxation (focus on each muscle, contract, let go, next muscle)
Grounding: Most useful when you feel floaty or dissociated: Notice 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, 1 you can taste
Breathwork: There is a whole world to explore here but try boxed breathing (4 in, 4 hold, 4 out, 4 hold, repeat) to clear your head, paced breathing (4 in, 8 out, repeat) to calm yourself, physiological sigh (breath in to the max, then one more sharp inhale, slow exhale) to “dump” stress
Self-soothing: When you feel lonely/sad or just need some peace and pleasure. Focus on all your senses by, e.g. looking at photos, smelling and feeling a cup of tea, hearing lo-fi beats, and so on.
Distraction: Not forever, but until it’s easier to deal with by e.g., doing activities, listening to podcasts or music, contributing somewhere, and setting a time when you will deal with this.
I was once dealing with an intense dysregulation of my nervous system for weeks, and three independent therapists I worked with on this all said the same thing: Whatever you do, don’t meditate, and just treat yourself like a child. Distract yourself. Sooth yourself. Meet Friends. Go on nature walks. And then as your nervous system slowly gets back to normal, then you can start working on the actual topics.
Christoph
Moderate intensity interventions
Most emotions aren’t an emergency but need attention to cease and will re-surface when just ignored. Try these behaviors for those.
Naming: Just putting a word to what you are feeling can be as effective as more complex reframing exercises we will be covering in the next post. It works best for in-the-moment negative emotions by putting space between the emotion and the reaction, and less well for more lingering ones because it’ll just draw more attention to them. This ties back to our last post on awareness and acceptance. Practicing non-judgmental acceptance alone can often lead to better emotional regulation.
Matching: This also follows our article on awareness and acceptance. If your investigation revealed a need, is there something small you can do to nurture that need? If the emotion is telling you something, what can you do to act on this? The easiest is probably to simply act on “HALT” states (hungry-eat / angry-breathe / lonely-socialise / tired-sleep). For others, it depends on the state. Explore and see what happens.
Opposite action: But what happens if the action implied by the emotion is unhelpful or not serving your goals? Like hiding in your bedroom because it’s rainy or punching your boss in the face? In that case, do the exact opposite. Go outside, talk to your boss. Here are our common emotions from the last post and the urges/opposites
Anger: Urge: Attack, Opposite: Gentle avoidance / Kindness
Fear: Urge: Escape, Opposite: Approach / Stay present
Sadness: Urge: Isolate, Opposite: Get active / Engage
Shame: Urge: Hide, Opposite: Transparency / Eye contact
Disgust: Urge: Reject, Opposite: Push through / Compassion
Joy: Urge: Celebrate, Opposite: Stillness / Modulate
The ability to name emotions as they emerge— the first step to managing them—is probably the single most important tool I draw on to build healthy relations with other people. Naming defensiveness in my romantic relationship and guilt in family relationships feels especially like comic book-level superpowers.
Joshua
Prepare yourself
Chance favours the prepared mind. All of the above is easy in theory but hard in practice. It’s easy to forget things in the moment. So let’s prepare!
Self-soothe box: The self-soothing in the first section is much easier when you already have material to soothe yourself with. Prepare a box with different things for each of your senses. This could include pictures of happy memories, nice messages people sent you, your favourite music, or incense sticks.
A coping card: How does boxed breathing work again? Whom will I call when I feel down? What worked for me last time? Write a few simple notes and have them where you’ll find them, probably on your phone.
Plan situations: For any situation that you expect to be difficult, make a plan by following these steps: 1. Describe it, objectively 2. Identify emotions. What do you expect to feel? 3. Choose the tools you’ll use 4. Visualise the scene, watch it unfolding 5. Plan out worst-case scenarios and setbacks. How will you recover?
Personally, I have my own prepared set of activities I do when I am feeling emotionally unregulated and stressed. Mine is as follows: Box breathing or meditation for 5-10 minutes, any form of exercise (usually I go to the gym), treating myself to some sparkling water (my favoyrite) and finally taking a long session in the Sauna or bath, 95% of the time after this set of activities I usually feel mentally better, and then can move forward and tackle any challenges from a stronger mental space. As per usual, I’ll caveat and say that different things work for different people; many people will prefer to talk it through with someone else, for example.
Cameron
Do something now
Many of these suggestions read like manuals for intense states that you might not feel often. However, all of these can be applied work just as well in less intense situations. A cup of warm tea under a blanket feels good no matter how intense the emotion. As always, try some things, see what works for you.
Ask yourself: What will be the emotionally most difficult situation this coming week? How can I prepare for it?
Try some breathwork exercises. They take one minute, and are always available.
Prepare your soothing kit. And use it.
Experiment with music: Different songs can have vastly different effects on your emotions.
Our next topic will be about cognitive frameworks and reframing. Have a hack or story you’d like to share? Reply to this post or email us at christoph@euzoia.org.
Want to start doing something? Reply to this post, and we will check in on you in a week.
Share this post with a friend