Friends | Be curious
How to be likable
I asked Gemini, ChatGPT and Claude to summarize “How to win friends and influence people”, the OG self-help book, in one word.
They all came up with the same word: Empathy.
While this book is from the 30s and sounds like the 101 in deception, the core stayed true for a century: What follows is all obvious, and yet we often forget. Take it as a reminder in your next social interactions.
Curiosity 101
Listen actively
Every person you meet has a lifetime of stories, experiences, and learnings they are carrying with them. Everybody’s life is just as complex as yours. See it as a treasure trove to dive into when having your next conversation.
Be fully present: Focus on them and their story. Don’t think about a smart reply, or that story of yours you could continue with. Just listen and encourage them to keep going.
Paraphrase back: Communication is hard. The best way to make sure you understand somebody is to just repeat it back to them. It also shows them you listened.
Ask questions: Something in their story probably sparked your curiosity. Why did they do that? How did they feel? What happened next? Keep going down that rabbit hole.
See people
I was having drinks with a therapist the other day and she complained “it’s always the same, everybody just wants to be seen.” We all love attention, you can see it best in children, at some point we just manage to hide it better. Give it. It’s a great gift.
Smile with your eyes: When talking about seeing people, start with eye contact. Allow to show your true happiness about meeting somebody on your face, your curiosity in your eyes. Not happy to see somebody? Don’t fake it.
Learn names: It’s hard, that’s why it’s so valuable. It shows you care about the other person and you’re making an effort to see them. The basics: Just try to repeat the name a lot in the beginning, weave it back into the conversation.
Make compliments: It’s so easy to give them and everybody loves getting compliments. Maybe something about their outfit, how they make you smile, how they care for others, something that makes them unique.
Allow yourself to be seen
This only works both ways. If you show a lot of curiosity in others but don’t allow any towards you, you won’t build meaningful connections. Sharing parts of you you are uncertain about, and seeing them validated by others, is how connection gets built.
Share feelings: How are you doing? Next time somebody asks that, and they have some time, take the risk and answer the question honestly. By taking the first step in vulnerability, you signal that it’s safe to be vulnerable as well.
Show imperfections: It’s easy to carry a mask where everything is perfect. But it also costs effort. Friendships are best when you can be yourself fully, let go of any masks. Let go early to test if you’ll be accepted for the person you are.
Express needs: What do you need when being with others? From them, or just for yourself? Sometimes it’s easy to fall into a people-pleasing mode and asking for something feels risky. Take the risk, dare to speak up for yourself.
Build your empathy muscle
Want to go further in building your empathy skills? This won’t be a one-and-done journey but takes significant effort over longer periods of time. Research is also still quite sparse here, so see it as experimenting yourself.
Metta meditation: Also called loving-kindness or Compassion Cultivation Training. You just sit and repeat “May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy” and then expand slowly to people you like, don’t like, the world.
Dyadic meditation and circling: Both are structured formats for sharing vulnerably, listening actively, paying attention to one’s own reaction and acceptance.
Taking perspectives: Empathy is synonym for “perspective taking ability”, both emotional and cognitive. You can build that by reading a lot of fiction, watching documentaries, and engaging with people with backgrounds different from yours.
Some things to try now
Next time you have a conversation, don’t talk about yourself unless asked.
Send somebody a message about what you appreciate about them.
Build a habit to learn names. Bet money on your success.
Missing something? Add a comment and we’ll add it to next year’s version