Friendmaxxing
The highest effect on your life satisfaction
Ever since the Harvard study of Adult Development tracked people over their lifespan we have known that deep relationships are one of the largest predictors of life satisfaction. Yet while we obsess over finding the right partner, friendships and community often feel like an afterthought. How do you make new friends when you’re not 24/7 hanging out like you did in college?
How to make friends as an adult
Be yourself
While quantity seems to matter a bit, the depth of friendships seems to be much more important. You want people to like you for who you are, the best way to find those is to just be yourself, no masks, when meeting new people. If somebody doesn’t like you for who you are, you probably shouldn’t be friends anyway.
Follow your interests: An extension of being yourself is doing things you like doing. Try to find the intersection of things you like and things where there is opportunity to socialise. For example a group class over alone gym time.
Explore your area: Building friendships will take time. It’ll be much easier when they are living close to you. Prioritize activities in your local neighborhood. Find third places and existing communities. Become a regular at events you like.
Get referrals: Ask your friends to introduce you to friends they think you might like. This is especially powerful when moving to a new city or introductions that you wouldn’t otherwise meet at group events like dinners.
I recently made a new friend, and I think a few things made it possible and successful: A mutual friend introduced us because they noticed we had a lot in common and seemed quite similar. We also live only an eight minute bike ride away from each other, which made it easy to meet up. On top of that, we started going to the gym together regularly, every couple of days, which gave the friendship a natural rhythm and helped it grow quickly.
Cameron
Put in the time
Building relationships takes time, 60-160 hours per friendship. Combine this with the fact as a society we tend to make less time for friends and you see why this will be a long game.
Get out there: There is a natural dyanmic where when you have few friends you have more time to go to social events and the more friends you have the less time you have for this. Think of putting in a fixed amount of time per week in “social life” and it’ll slowly shift from “friend-finding” to “hanging out”.
Approach: Approaching people takes courage. That’s why people reward it if you do. Strike up a conversation about something in the environment, something you notice about them. Like anything, this takes practice. Make it a habit.
Do the dance: Just like in dating, you want to figure out how much time to spend together without embarassing the other person. Play generous tit for tad: Take turns reaching out and inviting them, foregive them if they forget. If they start taking longer and longer to reply, they are either too busy or not interested.
Be intentional
You probably heard the “you are the average of the five people you hang out most with” meme. Befriend the people whom you want to be the average of. This isn’t “using people” this is being intentional with your time, the same way you are being intentional when dating people.
Status: Every group will have status dynamics, you won’t get around it. What you can have an influence on is what gives status. This is huge. If you can build a friend group where status aligns with your values, your life will be much easier.
Feeling: This might be obvious but: How do they make you feel? Are you at ease around them or on guard? Are you laughing or performing? Are you excited when they reach out or only replying to avoid hurting them? Would you rather be alone?
Lifestyle: Trying to break a bad habit is hard. If the whole group has that habit, it’s next to impossible. Think drinking, smoking, eating out. The opposite holds for good habits. Think meditation groups, running buddies, volunteer friends.
I have a pattern of being conflict avoidant. In my social life, this meant hanging out with people purely because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings by saying no. But this of course is not helping anybody, it just makes things worse because now you’re not enjoying yourself and you are implicitly lying to somebody. Don’t be like me, be honest with your friends about your boundaries, and embrace the necessary discomfort.
Christoph
Some ideas to get started
Are you happy with your circle of friends? What would 10/10 look like?
What gives status in your circle of friends? “Nothing” doesn’t count.
Make it a habit to approach a stranger. One per week. Get accountability.
Missing something? Add a comment and we’ll add it to next year’s version