Love | Settle
How to find a great partner
“Whom you marry will be the most important decision in your life.” Pressure is on. But is it, really? As with all decisions in life, there isn’t just one right answer here. There isn’t “the right one”. There are many happy life stories waiting for you with many great people.
The evidence seems to be clear on one thing: Cohabiting with a life partner seems to have a causal effect on your life satisfaction. This effect is stronger for men, probably because they have a weaker social network. It gets even stronger as you get older, and having a partner in later life stages predicts longer lives. As always, all on average!
We’re experimenting with podcast guests! These are complimentary to the articles - we discuss the same topic but focus more on the guest’s view vs the write-up here. Let us know what you think!
How to find a great partner
Approach
To find a partner you’ll have to talk to some. While you can find ways to get around approaching people, like matchmakers, most of us will need to work up that courage. And in most cultures that’ll be the men. Just accept this, your partner will thank you.
Look for signals: It’s easier to start a conversation when you feel there is some interest already: Maybe a look, smile, eye contact. On dating apps it’s simply their like. But don’t make this a blocker, it might be hard to spot these at first.
Strike up a conversation: Don’t worry about the perfect opener, this is about getting a conversation going. Comment on something in your shared environment, something you noticed about them, a random thought you just had.
Ask for the number: Did you enjoy the conversation and are you curious to get to know the other person better? Are you getting signals that they feel the same way (eg open body language, asking you questions, …)? Ask to stay in touch.
Look for the right things
What predicts a good relationship? We’ll get into the details but a heads up already: It’s not the “prom date” the hot, high-status, exciting person. Science’s best guess is that it comes down to the following traits:
Do you feel good: Can you be yourself around them or do you feel you have to “perform”? We probably all perform in the first dates but how does that change as you progress? Do you feel safe and seen? Can you trust them?
Can you communicate: Can both of you share your needs and set boundaries? Can both of you own your emotions? Can you deal well with conflict? Low neuroticism in your partner (tendency to experience negative emotions) helps.
Is the sex good: It takes time to get to know each other’s preferences and bodies but you usually know pretty soon if this has potential or not. That doesn’t mean you should have sex on the first date. It is negatively correlated with satisfaction.
Get out of your head
All credit for this to the great book How not to die alone by Logan Ury. She already termed the prom date vs life partner in the section above and also came up with a good segmentation of reasons we might procrastinate settling down.
Don’t romanticize: Disney put this thought into our head that the perfect partner should just “show up”. A chance encounter. This will work better if you enhance the surface area for chance and put yourself out there.
Don’t maximize: If you have a list of ten criteria, this is you. Make it three and allow yourself to be open to be surprised. Even if you assume the probability for each criteria is a coinflip, 10 coinflips give you 0.1%, or 1 in 1000 people.
Don’t hesitate: “I’ll start dating once I lost ten pounds, have a better job, and am ready for children”. If you think others maximize, then you maximize yourself before trying. Life happens while you are busy making plans. Don’t miss it.
Do this now [adapt]
If you’re not in a relationship: Approach people. It’s hard. Bet money on it.
If you are in a relationship: Send this article to a friend who isn’t.
Missing something? Add a comment and we’ll add it to next year’s version