Love | Love actively
How to love
In one of my previous relationships my partner just casually dropped the line âlove is a verb.â Not to criticize me but as a matter-of-fact obvious off-hand comment. That comment really changed my thinking about love:
Up until that point love just kind of happened to me. I fell in love, acted lovingly towards my partners but almost like a child would act towards their friends. When something came natural Iâd do it, otherwise Iâd just kind of drift somewhere else.
Since then, I try to be more conscious about how I act towards people I love. I want the best for them, after all, so spending some time thinking about it is the least i can do. So: How do you love?
How to love
Love languages with evidence
You might have heard about the âfive love languagesâ from a pastor in the 90s. Turns out there is little evidence to back those up. While the theory doesnât hold, there is evidence for specific actions you can take:
Date nights: Meaningful quality time, not just time, is linked to better conflict resolution through perceived perspective taking. Bonus points for doing novel activites together for added excitement and shared growth.
Small gestures: Think affectionate messages, nicknames, small acts of care, small gifts or favors. All these help signal thoughtfulness, support, and care.
Check-ins: I love these, and there is some evidence for them: Make time (we do it every two weeks) for taking turns just sharing everything thatâs on your mind. I feel itâs a natural vent to any âbottled upâ thoughts and if you build a nice ritual around it it is a much better place to have a difficult conversation than right before you go to sleep.
Get good at intimacy
For most people, their partner is the person theyâll get most physical intimacy from. So itâs only natural that physical intimacy is associated with relationship satisfaction. But physical intimacy doesnât necessarily mean sex:
Loving touch: Kissing, hugging, cuddling, touch: They all lead to happier relationships and especially in couples who are beyond their first years have a higher impact than the sex alone.
Talk about it: The single thing that predicts sexual satisfaction most is quality of sexual communication. This beats the more commonly assumed predictors: intercourse frequency or scheduling time.
Explicit consent: The second most powerful factor is strong internal willingness expressed as active, enthusiastic consent vs assuming passive assumed consent. This predicts satisfaction for both partners.
Take action when things donât go well
Loving actively also means not avoiding difficult times. Address issues when you see them, otherwise they will build up to an insurmountable pile of emotions.
Breakup predictors: Verbal aggression, ongoing negative interactions, low commitment, satisfaction, and support all predict breakups. The question is: Will it get better? Give yourself a dedicated time to work on these and quit if it doesnât.
Therapy works: Not perfectly, but about 70% of couples do get better and half of those can maintain the improvements even after two years. Thatâs worth the shot if you are in a place where you feel like you could use some help.
Online couple programs: Seem to work pretty well and might be more accessible than traditional therapy. They work mainly through reducing negative communication and increasing emotional support.
Start small
Plan a check-in with your partner, consider making it a recurring one
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